Administrators, educators, and support personnel filled the room, about five hundred in all. Everyone but teachers had worked all summer, but it was the first day back for them, and we were having our “welcome back” general assembly. My husband sat among them.
As one of six campus secretaries, along with my sister, Carol, I co-hosted the event. She briefly covered the basics outlined in the handbook, touching on arranging for substitutes, sick days, and budget requests. Those were the things most important to us.
Then the Superintendent spoke. BOR—ING. The crowd lulled into a stupor.
Then came my turn at the podium. I don’t know what came over me. Oh yes I do. Sometimes, I speak before I think. Not always a good trait.
“Okay, everybody, stand up. C’mon, I can tell you’re waning a little and we need to get your blood pumping.”
They all reluctantly got to their feet.
“We’re gonna do a little exercise we learned at the secretaries conference this year. It’s designed to get your neurons firing when you feel that afternoon slump,” I said.
“With your right hand in front of you, make figure eights,” I demonstrated and they followed instructions. “That will get the left side of your brain firing. Now, switch and let’s get the right side going,” I said, sticking my left hand out. “Are you feeling it?”
A rumble of response spread across the room. I think some of them were moaning in disgust.
“Okay. Very good! Now y’all sit down and take some deep breaths. Of course, I can’t take too many, because then I’ll hyper-ventilate, then I’ll have to put a bag over my head, then my husband will get excited, because he’ll think we’re gonna have sex.”
The room erupted into laughter. The superintendent looked like he might faint. My husband looked toward heaven and shook his head. Neurons were firing.
For the remainder of the day, practically every man on campus came by my office and brought me a paper bag.
When five o’clock came, with my bundle of bags, equaling the remains of a small sapling, I took some deep breaths, opened the door to my house and shouted. “Honey, I’m home!”

TALKIN’ TWANG: Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.#Texas #humor

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